WPL Comic Book Club

My first time out

I finally leave Avery Castle and head to the tavern there is a three eyed cyclops in the barn I walk in the tavern i see a elf in the corner, a swordswomen, a guy with a cloak and a guy who is sitting with a girl. I sit at an empty table and order green tea. I can’t go around sayin my name is Lilac Viola because duh I will get caught so i will be Rose shinedown in honor of my mother. The door opens and it’s one of the castles messangers, have they already caught me? He says there is a giant problem and the king needs help, “I will go for the king and his kingdom.” Did i say something wrong why is everybody staring at me. Everyone accepts and we have to walk. I finally get to see what it really looks like instead of looking in books. We get there and it’s already getting late so we decide to rest at the inn. I happy at that. I pay for everyone by cooking in the kitchen. The head chef is named Helga and she is scary but she has some good info. The guy and girl bring in a deer that they want me to cook. Helga asks me if i know what to. “Yeah I my mom taught me.” First break it’s neck so it will die with no pain cut the belly to remove the organs, Helga tells me to fill a bowl of water with a bit of saltand put the organs in it. I skin the deer and put it in the oven. When I look in the salt water bowl the blood is gone, Helga tells me it cuts of the blood and removes it because it her homemade salt it also help with big wounds so you won’t lose blood, this will be useful later. I ask her for a trade some of my medince for some of the salt. She agrees to it, she walks over to the three maids to bring out the food I over hear their names Diamond, Ruby and Emerald. All named after gems, heh. I also over hear about the ax-men having problems with the giants, well there’s a deal to be made . I wash the dishes after dinner then go to bed. The one named ruby with red hair-ironic- wakes me up. She is really pretty and sweet she reminds me of a cherry blossom.


I finally leave Avery Castle (after doing what?) and head to the tavern. There is a three eyed cyclops in the barn. I walk in the tavern and I see a elf in the corner, a human women with a sword, a guy with a cloak, and a guy who is sitting with a girl. I sit at an empty table and order green tea. I can’t go around saying my name is Lilac Viola because duh, I will get caught so I decide to call myself Rose Shinedown in honor of my mother. The door opens and it’s one of the castle’s messengers—have they already caught me?! He says there is a Troll problem and the King needs help.
“I will go for the King and his kingdom,” I announce.
Did i say something wrong? Why is everybody staring at me?
Everyone accepts and we have to walk. (Walk where?)
I finally get to see what it really looks like instead of looking in books. (What what looks like? Don’t always assume your reader knows what you’re talking about.) We get there and it’s already getting late so we decide to rest at the inn. I happy for that. We’re too poor to afford rooms so I pay for everyone by cooking in the kitchen. The head chef is named Helga and she is scary but she has some good info. The guy and girl bring in a deer that they want me to cook. (Which guy and girl? Can you use their names?) Helga asks me if i know what to.
“Yeah I my mom taught me,” I reply. (Dialogue always goes on a new line.)
First I break it’s neck so it will die with no pain, then cut the belly to remove the organs. (Fun fact, it was already dead. ;) ) Helga then tells me to fill a bowl of water with a bit of saltand put the organs in it. I skin the deer and help Helga cook it. (You wouldn’t use an oven to cook a whole deer. It’s too big.) When I look in the salt water bowl the blood is gone. Helga tells me it clots (??) the blood and removes it because it is her homemade salt. It also helps with big wounds to stop blood loss. I suspect this will be useful later. I ask her for a trade: some of my medicine for some of her salt. She agrees to it, she walks over to the three maids to bring out the food and I over hear their names. Diamonde, Rubie and Esmeralde. All named after gems, heh. I also overhear about some lumberjacks having problems with the giants. Well there’s a deal to be made . I wash the dishes after dinner then go to bed. The one named Rubie with red hair-ironic, wakes me up. She is really pretty and sweet she reminds me of a cherry blossom.

Phew, you got a lot going on in this log! You’ve added a lot of interesting details and I look forward to seeing you continue that.
Things to work on: Be careful of run-on sentences. Don’t be afraid of using a period to break up multiple thoughts into separate sentences. Also, dialogue should always be started on a new line with an indication of who’s speaking it (unless it was made clear in a prior line). Try not to make too many assumptions on what your reader knows. You can confuse them if they have to guess all the time. I’ve added little questions in brackets after sentences that could use a little clarification or added information. Lastly, be careful with punctuation and capitalization. It might seem minor and unimportant, but it’s actually really useful in making things clear and easy to read.
I like how you named the servers! I modified the spelling a little to add a bit more fantasy flair. Don’t be afraid of getting inventive with the spelling or pronunciation of names. This is a fantasy world after all, things can be extra unique! :) -OS

Comments

YOU FORGOT KRYSTAL!!!!!!

My first time out
 

…..You’re supposed to meet the characters Diamond, Krystal and Sapphire in the forest….

My first time out
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